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I normally don’t dream very much or if I do I don’t really remember them. Recently I had a dream that was extremely interesting. The detail is of a more personal nature so I wouldn’t go into it too much but the feeling I got during was an emotional relief. For months now I felt like I have this pressure on me, I need a real job, I need to think about my future what to do with my future, nothing that most people my age don’t go though. The difference was that I felt like something that was such a part of my life is no longer there. Its like losing the sight of the north star one night and not being able to find it again when you have rely on it for the longest time. Its funny, I remember that in the dream I felt like the weight was gone that I had no regrets and it was time to move on and I did. It was one of the greatest feeling in the world. The only problem with it is that I don’t think I can get there yet, even if I was to get the job and I don’t think I’ll feel the relief yet. The good news is that having felt it, I want to feel it again and it does give me a goal.

Jee Yuan

"With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."   - Steven Weinberg

I have decided to keep my thoughts in two places, one that’s more personal that’s mostly just for me and the other here. The theme would be the same but just the level of involvement is different. I just think there is certain things that’s mostly for me and even though I write here for me mostly, I know that some people do read it. Sometimes there are just things I don’t want anyone but me and maybe another person to know. As this week goes it wasn’t the best, getting letters from your ex is never good news. I also don’t know what to do so as usual I ended up doing nothing. I don’t’ know if I should write back and even then what to write back. The only thing I do know is that I’m just as messed up as a month ago which means still very messed up. I keep feeling so weird because this is not the first time I have heartbreak but in a way it feels like it and it still feels like it. I think the problem is lack of closure, and maybe the closure I seek doesn’t exists. What I have now in what I consider as closure this is more like an unstable closure that opens and closes just to mess with my head and emotions. Ever just see someone you miss at some place and have your heart miss a beat and only to realize its all in your head and they’re not really there. I still get that sometimes, I went out to the city yesterday and went to all the old places. I took my dad to these places and the only think I can think of are the memories have at these places. Its not as easy as it seems trying to put on a happy face while show your dad these places while thinking of something else that’s at once happy because it happened and sad because it ended. Its really a good thing that I’m kept mildly busy lately, otherwise I think all I would do is think about the pass and that would drive me nuts. I know most of the time my blogs are more of the same and even I can see that but I think the reason for it is because I think about this all the time and when I don’t I don’t have time to blog. Usually something happens that makes me think about all of these again and I sometimes don’t know what to do. I’m sick of going to my friends of the same BS problem and I’m sure they are sick of hearing it. I’m sick of not being strong enough to just not open the e-mail or letter. I’m sick of still feeling the way I feel and not knowing when it would end. Mostly I’m sick of myself. Sick of not able to move on and can’t keep what I had.

Jee Yuan

"To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady."   - Wilson Mizner