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Today I sat down and talked with two girls that is or was in a long term relationship and I’ve explain my situation a little bit more clearly to them. They were extremely nice conversations. In the later conversation she really got me, she knew almost exactly what I was going though, and she made no pretense of what its going to be like. She told me straight out that this is going to hurt and hurt a lot for a while and there is nothing I can do about it. I found that to be the most refreshing, she said she hated people telling her that it was ok because it isn’t, something is now missing from you’re life that has been there for so long and it takes time, lots of time to get uses to it again.
I really appreciate all the support my friends have given me and I’m touched that I have so many caring friend, people that I just met telling me they would go kick the shit out of the guys ass(Thanks guys!!!) One girl offered to take me to a strip club to make me feel better and others are all ready to go get drunk with me anytime I want. My best friend being who he is, is always there to make to laugh about the dumbest things and think back to the past we shared, before we discover girls (me like 13, him like 24….lol j/k) I know not many of my friends read this blog but if you do I want to know I really really appreciate all that you try to do to help me though this.

“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.”

George Washington (1732 - 1799)

So what’s the first day like breaking up after a long relationship? To sum it up it sucks, it sucks like no other feeling in the world. I never believed people when they say their heart hurt in the literal sense well I’m a believer now. Its not so much that it hurts as it seems like something is missing and I don’t know what. I don’t know if other people are like this but I also got this large amount of energy that I can’t seem to spent off, my body is literally humming from it, my biggest fear of all is that when I claim down I would crash, and crash hard. I was never very good at showing emotion to people and it was so ironic that a girl at work didn’t even believe that I was in a middle of a heartbreak. I think the reason is I really don’t want people to feel sorry for me or anything remotely similar to that and also I, MYSELF, don’t know how to feel and I’m afraid and I don’t think its something I can deal with right now. At one point I know I well break down and lose all control but I don’t want that to happen with other people there.

My friends said matter factly that I would get back together with her but I’m not so sure. I have such conflicting feelings right now. On the one hand I miss her so very much that my body literally hurt, and yet I don’t know any conditions that would make me take her back. How do you take someone back that has hurt you so deeply and so fundamentally in your very soul and make you doubt the very basis of a relationship that you vested so much in. How do you take someone back that seem to have lost faith in a relationship or worse take someone back that never had faith at all. I think the worse part of it all was when I said I don’t think I should ever meet the guy and not only did she agree but her next words was “yea, he’s really really smart and is very good at reading people.” OK, thanks I really feel good now, that you think so little of me granted he’s at MIT doing a PhD program in chemistry and I can’t spell Chemistry to save my life does not mean that ‘m not smart or good at reading people, as a matter of fact I can deal with the smart part but the reading people?! I take major offense to that, I think I’m up there in terms of reading people, of course I didn’t see this coming so that might not back me up here but still….if you knew me….and that’s the kicker ladies and gents, the fact that at the end of the day, I don’t think she really did and that hurts more than life itself, the person who I knew better than anyone on earth barely knows me and I don’t think really tried to. That hurts the most, more than there might be another guy, or reason about the distance but when at the end she look at me she doesn’t really see me as I am. Sigh….by the way for the record I lost to a lesser man and this is not the first time and I hate this so much, every relationship has been like this for me, the girl knew they were going with the lesser man and yet they still do it, I think from now on I don’t think I will treat women as nice as I do but I know I’m lying so I’m so screwed……

“Until you have a son of your own . . . you will never know the joy, the love beyond feeling that resonates in the heart of a father as he looks upon his son. You will never know the sense of honor that makes a man want to be more than he is and to pass something good and hopeful into the hands of his son. And you will never know the heartbreak of the fathers who are haunted by the personal demons that keep them from being the men they want their sons to be”

Kent Nerburn (20th century), U.S. theologian and author. Letters to My Son, prologue (1993).


P.S. Yes I know this quote has got nothing to do with love but it’s a really good quote

“Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;For love is sufficient unto love.”

Kahlil Gibran (1883–1931), Syrian-born U.S. poet, novelist. The Prophet (1923)

P.P.S This is the real one

Jee Yuan

After more than 6 years of being in a study relationship, I am now single again. Its such a surreal feeling that I can’t even begin to describe. The worst of it we end on relative good terms, I don’t know if its because I’m still in shock or what but I feel almost nothing negative towards her. I feel shit load of pain but that’s normal, I think. The thing of it is I couldn’t believe how easy it was on her part, I couldn’t sleep, think or move but yet it seems like it was just another thing she had to do. Technically we’re on break but I’ll be lying to myself if I said that we’ll be getting back together, even if she wanted to I don’t know if I do. I don’t think I can ever go though this kind of pain again. I guess its just dating for me from now on, I’ve always said how single people got it made well now its to put my money where my mouth is. I just don’t know if I can ever again, I know its still fresh and time heals all wounds but this one is deep. Here’s to a new beginning of sort and here’s to love, the most painful emotion of all.

Jee Yuan

“You think your pains and heartbreaks are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who have ever been alive.”
James Baldwin (1924 - 1987)