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I think I got some closure this weekend. I went to Boston and saw my ex one last time, I picked up most of the stuff form her except my laptop. I told her everything that I felt and held nothing back, I want to forget about her, but I don’t think that’s possible. I did the chicken thing and left while she was in the shower. I just couldn’t walk away from her if she was there. I think I am going to see her one more last time this thanksgiving but I’m still not sure yet, it make sense in terms of getting everything in order. I’m helping her with her new laptop purchase, and I have to give her back her violin. After that though, I don’t know what is going to happen. I should have taken my friends advise a while ago and told her exactly how I felt, it felt good and let me have a sense of closure, that is until the next time I see her again. Sigh…this is going to take time, lots and lots of time.

Jee Yuan

"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."
- HL Mencken

I think everything that has happened in the last week has finally sunk in. I was in love with someone who was never ready for a committed relationship. Regardless of all the talks my friends and I have about me not wanting to marry just yet, deep down I thought that the day would come soon (soon here means a year or 2) I can’t say that I blame her for feeling this way, everyone is entitle to how they feel, am I angry about certain parts of how we broke up? Sure but these are not the reason why we are staying broken up. I have come to realize that perhaps she is not worth it. I have tried my best and done all that I can to make this work, if that’s not enough so be it. I think its finally time for me to look for someone that will treat me the way I treat them no better no worse, well maybe better…=) I deserve someone that will give me their affection willingly without me having to pull out of them. I deserve someone that will understand me for who are am, from both the things I say and things I don’t say. I don’t know if I will find that person but I am looking now, I can’t say I want a relationship right now because that would be a lie, what I do want is someone where we entertain each other and have fun together, and maybe later on be there for each other when we needed the most without having to ask the other person. So this is stating openly and truthfully, I’m single and I hope that someone is out there.

Jee Yuan

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
- Ambrose Bierce

I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again
I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again
The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive
Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

Did I ever tell you that it’s a small world after all? It is, as it turns out that my ex and Cat has a common friend. What a small world right? Oh well…So far this week has been ok, its not that the pain is less but at least it’s not greater. I think I’m going to take some time and just be with myself without anyone and see how that is like. I’m usually a fairly social animal so I don’t know if this will work out. Its kind of funny, a friend of mine was joking around that I should date, but I think right now I’m too damaged to date anyone. I told everyone that if I’m not married by 30 I would remain single forever. One of the girls was being nice and joking around that if we’re still like we are now and both single we should try to hook up then, but I don’t think that’s possible because she’s a smart, kind and cute, what guy would be dumb enough to pass that up?! So I got 6 years, I’m going to see what the world has to offer me, maybe there is someone out there that’s for me, maybe its someone I already know or someone completely new, I have no clue. What I can say is that I do feel bad for the next person, I’m going to be too damaged for a while and I don’t think I can be as good to her as I want to be or I could be. I know that’s unfair but that’s all I can offer at this time and maybe I’ll get better maybe not, only time will tell.

Jee Yuan

“The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.”

- Herbert Agar

I can’t seem to sleep this week at all, too many things going on. People doing things that makes no sense, its so stupid….I don’t understand any of it. At one point in my life I thought that I wasn’t good enough for my g/f and I broke it off, only to come cry back to her in like the next 5 mins. It was the only time where I have ever given up even for a little while someone I wanted. If it wasn’t for that I would never understand why people would ever do that. Why would you ever give up on anyone you truly love? It makes absolutely no sense. You should fight and give everything you can until you have nothing more to give or its just plain simple that you’re not going to get them. How can anyone every say they love anyone if they are not willing to fight for them. Sigh….This is the play list on my Itunes right now, to help me relax and give voice to my emotion

You Don’t Know me (featuring Diana Krall) by Ray Charles
Dying by Five for Fighting
Soundtrack from Initial D the motion movie
Leaving on a jet plane by Frank Sinatra
You’re getting to be a habit with me by Diana Krall
You and Me by Lifehouse
Come Rain or Come Shine by B.B. King & Eric Clapton
100 years by Five for Fighting
Maybe I by Five for Fighting

Jee Yuan

“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”
David Viscott, How to Live with Another Person, 1974

scott and me 

Andy

This has, by far, been the most interesting week in all my life. I’m going to need a year just to try to recover. So lets sum up everything that has happened, for those of you too lazy to read the other posts. I’ve been dumped, then found out my girl cheated on me, then against my better judgment offered her a chance to come back, only to realize that she would never give me what I want, which is someone that thinks of me, fights for me, respects me. On top of that, perhaps, finally realize that my unicorn although as nice as she is, I just don’t have that kind of feelings for her. The one 9 in my life is not someone I want to be with and the funny thing is I think I have always known that. The other thing I want in life is a girl who knows who she is, what she want and one of the things she wants is me. I think knowing who you are as a person is both a curse and a blessing. I know myself fairly well, I’m a hopeless romantic who believed that my feelings for someone can overcome anything and everything but perhaps I’m starting to figure out that its not just about how I feel but the other person feel as well. I joke all the time to my friends that if I put my mind on it I can get anything and anyone I want. I still think I can get anything I want but the anyone part I’m starting to think no so much. Sometimes I’m just not enough or really I’m just too much. I can’t change who I am but what I can do is deal with who I am and hope that there is a girl out there that can understand me and wants to be with me and I her.

Jee Yuan

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
- Leo Tolstoy

I’m sick of being the nice guy that all the girls thinks can be their friends but not their boyfriends. I’m sick of being the guy that girls want to settle down with or settle for. I AM NOT A SAFE-GUARD AGAINST ASSHOLE GUYS. I AM NOT THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE FOR GIRLS TO SAY OH THERE ARE NICE GUYS BUT THEY WOULD NEVER GO OUT WITH ME!!! If you ever wonder why you can’t get a nice guys, its probably because you don’t want one., and you have been LYING to yourself. I’m just sick of all girls that just want is to be friends. Well I’m tired of being the shoulder to cry on, the hand that helps them up, the ear to listen to all their problems. From now on, don’t come to me for that ever again, I’m done with it. You have a problem in your life, deal with it on your own don’t come to me. Trust me you’re not missing much, I have problems of my own that I can’t deal with. Burning pain in my heart that doesn’t seem to go away, that everyday although I think I might be fine I’m not but I don’t dare show it because I don’t want people to try to help me like they know what’s going on. Why is it so hard for me to find a girl that is willing to fight for me? Take the time and effect to not just know me but really find out who I am. A girl that wants me because I am who I am and not just because I there for them or because they don’t want to be alone or just because I like them. Fight for me damn it, I fight for you…

Jee Yuan


“Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.”
Lynda Barry